I have always wanted kids

There is a question that runs through my head from time to time…

Would I have rushed into having children if I had known I had type 2 bipolar? Let’s face it, I could have passed this hideousness on to my girls…

adorable baby baby feet beautiful
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I always knew I wanted children but I knew that my background put me at high risk for postpartum mental health problems.  I remember highlighting this to my midwife at my first booking appointment whilst also being terrified she would black mark my notes and contact social services.

“Do you have any worries?” she asked.

“Well, yes…. I worry a bit about how I’ll manage emotionally because I am pretty high risk for postnatal depression”.

“OK, why do you say that?”

“I was an in-patient in a psychiatric hospital for three months as a teenager with anorexia and had a tough time at university too.”

“Alright, so we will keep an eye on things.”

What she actually meant was “Well you look a healthy weight and you are smiling so you must be fine.”

That was it. That was the grand total of my antenatal emotional wellbeing assessment. And unfortunately it was no better the second time.

pregnancy pregnant motherboard parenthoof
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The days after my second daughter was born I was running on adrenaline and excitement.  Her birth had been so much easier than I had expected (the first one was bloody awful!) and I felt lured into a sense of “everything is going to be OK.”

Except it wasn’t OK. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I slowly fell deeper into the darkness of postnatal depression. I existed solely for my children. I sat breast feeding at night, tears tumbling down my cheeks. My life had gone. I was going through the motions. Doing what I had to do to keep everyone alive and happy. Inside I was dying.

Yet somehow people didn’t know. I had developed such a slick and seamless act that people couldn’t know. Over time my show started to fall to pieces. My skin was terrible. My eyes became glazed and exhausted. My brow was lined with deep wrinkles of worry. I cried in public.

My health visitor advised me to see the GP. I was started on medication and referred for talking therapy. But I continued to deteriorate whilst I waited. I had no choice but to find a private therapist. Two years on, I am still in therapy. At Christmas I was diagnosed with type 2 bipolar and started on new medication.  The private sector saved me. I was fortunate enough that I could pay. Not everyone can.

scenic view of forest during night time
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As an NHS worker, I feel guilty, saddened and disappointed that our system is failing so many. When you have lost all value in life, when everything is bleak and death seems the only way out, waiting for six months to get help only adds to the feelings of worthlessness. Every day that you don’t get that help, the enemy is winning the battle.

Could my illness have been prevented… probably not. Could I have been better equipped and more prepared for the challenges that being a parent brings? Almost certainly yes. Antenatal care is the place to start. Emotional support for all parents. Identifying triggers and teaching families about self care. Everyone needs this stuff. People like me need it that little bit more.

So going back to my girls, yes, they are at higher risk of developing mental health problems. Yes, there’s a chance they might have bipolar. Do I worry about them, yes. Do I regret having children? Not in a million years.

My girls are growing up knowing that their Mummy takes medicines to help her feelings. They know it’s OK to talk about emotions. They have parents who are armed with strategies to help them deal with difficulties, and as my husband put it the other night:

“What parent would be able to deal with their child’s mental health difficulties better than you?  You understand it and are learning how to manage it.” Maybe he’s right.

I am bringing my children up to know that there is no shame in having a mental illness.

#PND #MentalHealthAwareness #Bipolar #motherhood #newmum

4 thoughts on “I have always wanted kids”

  1. Excellent post!

    I too have been diagnosed with bipolar after having 2 kids. My first midwife was utterly crap to the point of negligence, my second much better, but unfortunately it has taken 2 psychotic episodes with horrific hospital stays to diagnose me, & I have been left largely without support.

    The medication I relied on to keep depression at bay has been abruptly stopped, so I’m also struggling with an appalling withdrawal that my consultant refuses to acknowledge is possible (despite a 2002 BMJ article on the difficulty of coming off Seroxat).

    On top of that I’m expected to take a massive dose of incredibly sedating antipsychotic medication that leaves me completely dysfunctional. And if I’m honest about the fact that I’m not taking it, I will be labelled ‘uncompliant’ & at risk of even worse bullying should I be unlucky enough to be readmitted, plus every parent’s worst nightmare – social services checking what ‘support’ we need to avoid our children seeing anything ‘inappropriate’.

    I have as a result of my experiences determined to do three things to regain my self respect: start a blog, retrain as a counsellor & take part in an open mic night to prove that I actually am as good a singer as Bowie & that believing in myself isn’t a sign of psychosis! 😁

    Twitter: PhoenixAshes82
    Instagram: phoenixashes101


    1. That sounds seriously tough but I have a lot of admiration for your strength. You are right that believing in yourself is key- I am not there yet with this one! Wishing you all the best with your open mic night- it sounds great!


  2. Pheonix Ashes and The Bipolar Doc…. reading your posts and story is unfortunately all too common. As a result of my pesronal experiences as a mum of four and a health professional, I have worked as a midwife and mental health RN for 20 years in public and private hospitals, and am now providing excellent private antenatal information and support….for mums and dads.


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